Fade To Black

      I was out side tonight at about 1:30am and I had a sudden urge to just walk away. Not go for a walk, but go away. Just walk away into the night and not look back. Start again somewhere else, not caring that I had nothing but the shirt on my back.

     I have this urge occasionally, especially if I go out late at night and am doing deep personal thinking. Maybe it's just me wanting to get away from the problems I have with how my life is playing out and the people in it. And I have no doubt that it could work, but it would also create a whole new set of problems. (Perhaps that's what life is about, finding the set of problems that you can come to terms and live with).

     But then I think "What if the problems I have aren't with my surroundings but with myself?". Because those are the things that no matter how far you run they catch up. No matter how deep they are buried they climb out of the graves you've given them. Often they come back far worse than when you hid them away. And so until you really deal with them they will haunt you and stop you from reaching your full potential as a human and as part of a bigger whole.

     So, the most I ever get to is the "What if?" stage. But in all seriousness that  is exercise in futility. The adage "If ifs and ands were pots and pans then tinkers we all'd be." holds very true. Because I know this I only think about it in a longing for a dream sort of way (if you know what I mean). A - because I know I have the ability to do it an any time I want, I never actually have to do it - type deal.

     As I draw to a conclusion on this post, I'm still not sure what the point of it was. Just to get out a little how I feel about the world around me and how I'm involved in it I guess.

And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Friedrich Nietzsche

So tell me, why can't this be love. RC.